Kowalski’s AI bot “SNAFU” breaks down the US Declaration of Independence

1. Opening / Preamble

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands…”

• The colonies say: sometimes people must break away from a political system that no longer serves them.

• They believe in the “Laws of Nature and Nature’s God” — meaning they have a natural, moral right to independence.

• Out of respect for the world, they will explain why they are separating.

In short: We’re declaring independence, and here’s why.

2. Statement of Principles

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

• Fundamental rights are universal: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

• Governments exist to protect these rights.

• Power only comes from the consent of the governed (the people).

• If a government violates those rights, the people have a right and duty to replace it.

• But change should not be for trivial reasons; only when oppression becomes unbearable.

In short: People have natural rights, governments must protect them, and when governments fail, the people can form new ones.

3. Case Against the King (List of Grievances)

This is the longest section. The colonists list what King George III has done wrong. Some examples:

• Blocked laws needed for the public good.

• Refused fair representation in legislatures.

• Shut down assemblies that resisted him.

• Kept standing armies in peacetime without consent.

• Made judges dependent on him (no independent courts).

• Taxed without consent.

• Cut off trade and imposed unfair laws.

• Denied trial by jury.

• Sent troops and mercenaries to harm colonists.

• Incited violence by encouraging Native American raids and internal uprisings.

In short: The King abused power repeatedly and ruled as a tyrant, leaving the colonies no choice but to break away.

4. Failed Appeals

“In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms…”

• Colonists tried petitions, warnings, and appeals to Britain and to their fellow British citizens.

• Every time, they were ignored or met with more oppression.

In short: We tried to fix things peacefully, but Britain refused.

5. Declaration of Independence

“We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America… solemnly publish and declare…”

• The colonies now declare themselves Free and Independent States.

• They cut all political ties to Britain.

• As independent nations, they can:

  • Make war and peace

  • Form alliances

  • Establish trade

  • Do anything else free states can do

• The signers pledge to each other their Lives, Fortunes, and sacred Honor.

In short: We are now independent — fully sovereign states — and we stake everything on this decision.

✅ Overall Meaning:
The Declaration argues that the colonies had a natural right to govern themselves, lists the King’s abuses to justify independence, and then formally declares separation, creating the United States of America.

🧪 Carlin Mode:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident—that all men are created equal... unless you're broke, brown, or borrowed too much for college."

🧬 Shel Silverstein Mode:

“We told the King, we wrote him notes,
We tried with pens, and tried with votes,
But every time, he slammed the door,
And sent us taxes, troops, and more…”