THOSE MOVING GOAL POSTS
So here we are with H.R. 5520, the “VA Medicinal Cannabis Research Act of 2018.” It’s essentially a government-sanctioned look into whether cannabis—yes, that cannabis—might actually help veterans. And I know, finally, right? We're not talking about whether weed makes you lazy and unmotivated—that's been settled for decades. We’re talking about chronic pain, PTSD, and a bunch of other conditions that we’ve been telling veterans to suck up for too damn long.
What’s the deal?
A bunch of politicians got together—somewhat surprisingly—and said, "You know what? Let’s see if this marijuana thing works as a treatment for veterans." Yes, you read that correctly. The same guys who can't decide whether or not the sun is a burning ball of fire want to know if weed helps vets. The bill passed in the House, got extra sponsors, and now they’ve ordered it to be printed. It's basically a big ol' “let's do some research and stop treating these veterans like they're crazy” bill.
What does the bill actually do?
Section 2: Research
Here's the fun part. The Secretary of Veterans Affairs gets the green light (no pun intended) to research actual cannabis, the whole shebang: plants, extracts, strains with fancy names like Purple Kush or Super Lemon Haze, and even those THC/CBD ratios that sound like secret scientific code. They're going to study the effects on vets suffering from pain, PTSD, and any other condition the Secretary feels like tossing in. Finally, we're gonna treat the people who've been to war like human beings instead of ticking time bombs.
But wait, it gets better. The research is going to be tightly regulated. Of course, we've got all the usual suspects involved: the FDA, the DEA, and whatever committee's got their noses up the government’s ass at the time. Because nothing says "progress" like a bunch of bureaucrats with clipboards telling you how to heal.
Data Preservation
They’re not just going to research this stuff and forget about it after some budget meetings and PowerPoint slides. No, they’re going to make sure they keep all the data—all of it. So when the next batch of politicians decides that marijuana is suddenly the Devil’s lettuce again, there’ll be some evidence to show, “Hey, dumbasses, look at the data!”
The Forms of Cannabis to Be Researched
Alright, so here’s where it gets specific. They're going to research different forms of cannabis: full plants, extracts, and even THC analogs. You want to know what works best for PTSD? Well, here’s your answer—maybe it's not just smoking a joint but also rubbing some cannabis lotion on your temples or popping an edible like it’s your grandmother’s homemade cookies.
They’re also going to look at delivery methods. Not just smoking (sorry, old-school stoners, you’re not gonna get a free pass here). We’re talking topical applications, ingestibles, and—my favorite—non-combustible inhalation. Translation? The future of cannabis consumption is bigger than a blunt.
Implementation Plan
The Secretary’s gotta come up with a plan. Yes, a plan. It’ll go to the bigwigs in Congress. You can almost hear the bureaucrats whining, “Oh no, more paperwork!” But hey, at least they’ll have to spell it all out before they start puffing that research magic into existence.
Reports and Accountability
This is a government bill, so of course, we’ll get reports! Not just once, but every damn year for the next five years. And if the Secretary decides not to implement it, they’ll have to explain why. So no pulling the “oops, we forgot” excuse.
What’s a "Covered Veteran"?
This part’s basically the fine print. A “covered veteran” is someone who’s signed up for the VA system. No randoms here. Only veterans who are actually enrolled in the system will be part of the study.
So, in short, this bill is about finally getting the VA to stop treating veterans like lab rats for pharmaceuticals and start looking into a treatment that maybe doesn’t involve pumping them full of opioids. It's a step in the right direction, but let's be real: it’s 2018 and we’re still fighting for this? We're still pretending like cannabis is just for hippies and lazy teenagers when it could actually help real people—veterans who fought for this country and now need the help they deserve.
It’s like the government’s been asleep for 50 years and now, just now, they’re thinking, “Hey, what if we looked into this weed thing that everyone’s been talking about?” Well, better late than never, I guess. Maybe one day, we’ll stop treating veterans like political pawns and actually give them the help they need.
Here's the kicker: H.R. 5520 was introduced back in 2018—yeah, 2018—and it’s now 2025. And guess what? It's gone nowhere. Zilch. Nada. A big, fat goose egg.
This bill was supposed to actually do something for veterans—provide them with research into the efficacy of medicinal cannabis for pain, PTSD, and other conditions. You know, like finally acknowledging that this could be a viable treatment instead of just keeping veterans on a cocktail of pills that make them worse. But, surprise, surprise, the government hasn’t exactly been in a rush to change the status quo.
Seven years. Seven damn years. And all we’ve got is a bill that's still sitting in the same place it was when it was introduced: gathering dust.
You’d think that after all this time, they’d at least have come up with some concrete data, maybe done some research to help veterans suffering from chronic pain and PTSD. But nope. Instead, we’ve got another pile of forgotten promises, left in the hands of the same bureaucrats who’d rather stick with what’s been failing for decades than risk doing something different. It’s like waiting for a car that never comes. They gave us the shiny new model in 2018, but they’ve just left it in the garage to rust.
The cannabis research for veterans? Yeah, that’s still on the to-do list. But who knows when anyone will actually pick it up. Meanwhile, veterans are still facing the same old tired treatment options, with nothing real happening to change the game.
But hey, it’s not like lives are at stake or anything, right?
Next Up: SAFE HARBOR
Alright, hold onto your hat, 'cause here's another round of "Legislative Hot Air," brought to you by your friends in Washington.
S. 3409 — the Veterans Medical Marijuana Safe Harbor Act.
Now, does that sound like a safe haven for veterans?
Or does it sound like a soft pat on the back, followed by another round of bureaucratic "We’re looking into it..."?
Let’s break this bad boy down and see what the hell’s actually going on.
The Big Promise:
Oh, they’re gonna let veterans use marijuana for medical purposes, right? It’s in the title! It's right there in black and white!
“Safe Harbor,” they say. Meaning veterans won’t be hauled off to jail if they’re in a state where marijuana is legal. Wow, how generous! You mean they won't get locked up for using something that’s legal in their state? What a shock, right?
But here’s where the plot thickens, because despite that “safe harbor” bit, the actual bill doesn’t give veterans the right to go full-on Reefer Madness Rebel Mode. Nope. They’re not giving you access to dispensaries with a smile and a handshake. They’re not even giving you a clear path to access. It’s all about state law. So, if your state says “Sure, go ahead, light up,” then you’re cool. If your state says, “Nope, you’re still a criminal,” well, tough luck. The feds will still give you the stink-eye, and you’re still stuck playing this weird cat-and-mouse game.
The Findings (2018):
They hit you with all the classic talking points. Chronic pain, opioids killing veterans, blah blah blah. Opioids represent 63% of drug deaths in the U.S. (well, yeah, because Big Pharma has a great track record, huh?). And guess what? States with medical cannabis laws have lower opioid overdose rates. Groundbreaking revelation, right? They don’t even need to conduct the study—they can just read the damn data already out there. But sure, they’ll conduct more studies. Why? Because we gotta keep the bureaucratic wheels turning, baby!
Section 3: Safe Harbor for Use by Veterans of Medical Marijuana:
Oh, here’s where they try to make it sound like they're doing something bold. The veterans get a little wiggle room to use, possess, or transport medical marijuana, but again, only if their state says “Yeah, go for it.” This is where the loopholes are, my friends. Because guess what? A lot of states haven’t caught up with the times. And a lot of veterans? Still left out to dry. Plus, the moment they leave their state where it’s legal? Boom. Federal law comes crashing down like a ton of bricks. Now they’re at risk, and the “safe harbor” doesn’t look so safe anymore, does it?
Physicians’ Role:
Now, here’s a real juicy part: doctors are allowed to talk about medical marijuana. Oh, you heard that right. Talk. That’s right. They can’t actually recommend it, prescribe it, or even give you a joint. All they can do is mention it and go, “Hey, maybe try it, buddy. Who knows, right?” How helpful. I’ll bet that conversation is going to be a real game-changer.
But don’t you love that part about the doctors getting to “recommend”? The term is so vague, you’d think they were recommending a Netflix show!
The Sunset Clause:
Here’s where they really show their hand. This bill comes with an expiration date. Five years. That’s right, folks. Five years, and then—poof!—we’re back to square one. And we all know what happens in Washington after a sunset clause. Nothing. They’ll just shrug and say, “Well, it didn’t work out, maybe we’ll try again in another five years... or 10... or never.”
The Studies:
Now, we get to the part where they pretend like they’re doing real work. Study time! The VA is supposed to start doing studies on medical marijuana’s effects on veterans with pain. But hold up! Two years to start the study? And then they’ve got another six months after that to give a report? So, after waiting decades for something to happen, they’re going to make us wait at least three more years before we even see any data. And then—surprise—they’ll probably throw that data in a drawer with the rest of the forgotten research.
But hey, in the meantime, they’ll spend $10 million on that study and another $5 million on looking at how medical marijuana impacts opioid abuse among veterans. Oh, what a sound investment. Because there’s nothing more efficient than a government study with a limited budget and no urgency. This should have been done yesterday, but sure, let’s study it a little more.
So What’s Really Going On Here?
Here’s the thing, folks: this bill is all smoke and mirrors. They’re giving you just enough to keep you coming back for more. A little taste of hope, like dangling a carrot in front of a horse that’s been trotting through the same dry field for years.
What veterans actually need—what’s been clear for YEARS—is real access. You know, being able to walk into a VA clinic and get cannabis as part of your treatment plan without all the drama and bullshit. No more state-by-state BS or wading through federal red tape. No more waiting for studies that should’ve been completed yesterday.
[Raging George Carlin Mode]
Cue megaphone…
Listen up, Washington—I’m not here to ask for a fucking favor. You want to do something for the veterans? Good! Here’s the blueprint, you bunch of bureaucratic blowhards. You wanna look like you’re solving problems? Then actually solve them—don’t just jerk each other off while the people who served this country wait for their next prescription for the same shit that’s been destroying them since the 70s.
Let’s Start With The Basics!
You want real answers? Stop hiding behind your bullshit “studies” and reveal the damn data! I’m talking about all that data you’ve been sitting on since 2011, per that fancy little directive 1315. You know the one—the one that’s been collecting dust while you’ve been pushing your propaganda about how “we need to wait for more research” while veterans are dropping like flies from opioid overdoses!
And while we’re at it, release all the data from the federal compassionate IND program—you know, the one where citizens with debilitating health issue are magically turned into federal cannabis patients, after beating Uncle Sam in court. Meanwhile veterans have been dying from the same treatments you know don’t work that you’ve been shoving down their throats for decades. Let the people know what’s been going on with the patients who were on your cannabis roster, and already passed away under your watch since 1976! Release that data, so we can see if you’ve been playing with their lives like they’re some kind of experiment. What does the research reveal? What’s the safety and efficacy of the medical cannabis you sent them for decades, and are still sending Irv Rosenfeld?
Training & Education?
Oh, you want to educate doctors? Great! Here’s a suggestion: how about you train them on the history of cannabis medicine? Teach them about the endocannabinoid system—yeah, that little thing you’ve been ignoring since forever. What are you scared of? That your drug reps will get upset that their profits might go down just a little? Tough shit! Veterans should get care from informed professionals, not pill-pushers. And what about new discoveries? Research is moving at light speed now, and you people are still playing catch-up! Get with the fucking times!
And then, let’s uniformly integrate this into every damn VA facility across the country. I don’t want to hear about some backwoods VA clinic in Idaho refusing to offer what’s actually working for their patients. Every damn VA across the VISN network needs to be on the same page. One page, not 50 different excuses.
The Compassionate IND Program—Do More!
Let’s expand the damn Compassionate IND program. Veterans deserve better than your half-assed programs. You want to help? Then give veterans access—real access—to cannabis for medical treatment. No more secretive, exclusive club for the “chosen ones.” Open it up! And if you want to be really revolutionary, how about the VA grows cannabis for veterans? Yeah, I said it! Get your hands out of the pockets of pharmaceutical companies, and let the VA produce the medicine itself. Stop making the vets choose between waiting in line at the pharmacy or a fucking corner dispensary! Give them the option to grow their own medicine, if they want. You think they’re not capable? You trust them to run a tank, but not to grow a plant? Give me a break!
Federal Protection for Cannabis Use
You’ve got to protect veterans who use cannabis. What’s with the confusion? If a veteran is using cannabis legally in their state—why the hell should they fear being arrested when they cross state lines? These men and women put their lives on the line for this country, and you’re telling me they can’t even carry their medicine on a plane? Fix this!
How about putting a goddamn identifier on VA patient cards? Something that shows that they’re part of the federal cannabis program—so they can travel without fear of getting yanked off a plane or thrown in jail for carrying their medicine! How hard is this? Give them that federal protection, and stop letting the state and federal governments fight over jurisdiction like a bunch of spoiled brats!
A V.A. Cannabis Voucher System?!
Hold the phone, are we actually suggesting a voucher system for veterans to access cannabis through state programs? That’s brilliant! A fucking voucher system! They get the care they deserve, and they don’t have to worry about being sold out to the highest bidder at some commercialized dispensary. This gives them the access they need—safely and without the bullshit.
New VSOs—For Real This Time!
Veterans are dying, and the American Legion and Veterans of Foreign Wars are bleeding members like a war zone after an artillery strike. These organizations—what’s left of them—are falling apart. It’s time to reimagine what a VSO looks like! And here’s the kicker: NO ALCOHOL. These places should be safe havens—not places to drink yourself numb and forget about the trauma. Let these organizations move away from alcohol, and start focusing on harm reduction, and real treatment. Stop pushing pills and booze, and start pushing healing!
The Real Policy You Need for States
You want to help veterans in the states? Fine. Here's what you need to do:
Recognize cannabis as a viable treatment for veterans within your borders. No more “maybe’s” or “we’ll get to it when we feel like it.”
Offer incentives—just like you do for veterans in other programs: fee waivers, job placement, licensing, all that good stuff. But do it for cannabis too, because you know what? Veterans need it.
Let VSOs have cannabis dispensary licenses—and let them run compassion centers that serve the veterans. Not run by some corporate douchebags, but by veterans themselves! Veterans should be able to help each other, not just get screwed by the system.
Cannabis farmers’ markets? Yes! Protect the ability for VSOs and compassion centers to host them. If you can have farmers’ markets for tomatoes, you can have them for cannabis!
And most importantly—stop making this hard! Let veterans donate cannabis to each other if they need it. Stop criminalizing veterans for trying to help each other.
A New VSO Model—We Need It NOW
We need a new VSO model that doesn’t revolve around drinking, doesn’t rely on opioids, and doesn’t encourage people to kill themselves because they don’t have a place to go. Veterans need safe, productive spaces. Not places where they’re forced to live in their pain because the system can’t get its head out of its ass.
This new VSO should be based on community, healing, and support. Not just a place for veterans to drink themselves to death or pop another pill to mask the real problem. The suicide rates—they’re fucking unacceptable. The opioid epidemic—it’s killing them. Get with the program, or get the hell out of the way.
Get It Done, Or Get Outta Here
You don’t want to help? Get out of the way. You don’t want to fix this? Move aside. But don’t pretend like you’re doing something for veterans when you’re just spinning your wheels. You’ve had plenty of time. You’ve had all the studies, all the reports, and all the veterans suffering right in front of you. Now, do what’s right, or shut the hell up.
End scene.
