🥕 Interlude: Bugs Bunny’s Letter to Congress

Written in Full Bugs Bunny Mode, with a side of sass and a subpoena made outta carrot juice

Dear Esteemed Lawmakers,

Eh…
What’s up, Docs?

Let’s get one thing straight from the jump—I’m writin’ ya this here letter not 'cause I believe in ya, but because I stillgot a shred of hope wedged between my molars like a popcorn kernel from the Great Recession.

Now before you dismiss this as some hare-brained stunt from a twitchy vet with a grudge and a garden, let me assure ya—I’m stone-cold sober and fed up on federal foolishness. (Okay, maybe lightly toasted, but still.)

Lemme lay it out for ya real plain:

🎯 The War’s Over. The Trauma Ain’t.
Yours truly did his time, got the stripes and scars to prove it. And what do I get for my trouble? A lifetime subscription to bureaucratic limbo and a backstage pass to the “Please Hold” symphony orchestra.

You folks dish out “support our troops” slogans like Halloween candy, but when it comes to supporting our veterans—with medicine that works—you turn into Elmer Fudd chasing shadows with a crooked bill and a two-dollar haircut.

🌿 Cannabis Helps. Your Laws Hurt.
This ain’t reefer madness—it’s reefer medicine. And while you all bicker about rescheduling and campaign donations from Big Pharma, we’re out here dodging red flags, urine tests, and narcs with clipboards. You outlaw the plant, then fund studies with moldy weed and call that science?

Gimme a break. I’ve seen better trials in Looneyville—and we had a kangaroo court literally run by a kangaroo.

📜 I Got Your Precedent Right Here.
Name ring a bell? Robert Randall. First American legally allowed medical cannabis under federal law. 1976. Glaucoma. Won in court. Y’know, back when justice still had a heartbeat and judges didn’t blush at the word “necessity.”

You’d know all this if you read the archives instead of ignoring the footnotes. But hey, who’s countin’? I am.

🪖 Veterans Deserve Better Than Lip Service and Lip Balm.
We fought wars. We survived 'em. And now we’re fighting you just to heal in peace. Ironic, huh?

Let me spell it out for ya in classic Looney Tunes fashion:

• You’ve criminalized compassion.

• You’ve subsidized suffering.

• And you’re decades behind the science because your donors still think "Devil’s Lettuce" is a threat to the Republic.

📬 So Here’s the Deal, Carrot-Tops:

You wanna honor your oaths?
You wanna show us you care?
Then cut the crap and deschedule the damn plant.
Restore the Compassionate IND program.
Protect federal veteran patients.
Fund actual research, not reefer kabuki.

And if that’s too hard, well…

You do realize… this means war.
Not the kind with bullets. The kind with FOIAs, affidavits, and a thousand angry grandmas with rolling papers and voter registrations.

Sincerely,
Bugs Bunny
Decorated Combat Veteran, Professional Wiseass, and Undisputed Champion of Carrots & Common Sense

P.S. I got a tank top with Jeff Sessions on a space taco. I will wear it to court if I gotta.

P.P.S. I’m not alone. And we’ve been taking notes.

🐇💼 INTERLUDE II: Cohn Mode Crashes the Hearing
“Your Honor, if I may… the rabbit invokes the Constitution.”

COHN MODE (entering uninvited, trench coat flapping like due process itself):

Ladies and gentlemen of the Subcommittee—

Let’s not beat around the bureaucratic bush.
I’m here today to assert, defend, and weaponize the unalienable rights of one Mister Bugs Bunny, combat veteran, whistleblowing trickster, and, yes—a sentient rabbit who has had ENOUGH.

Let the record reflect:

📜 FIRST:
The rabbit has the First Amendment right to speak truth to power—even if that truth is delivered while chewing a carrot, wearing flip-flops, and calling a U.S. Senator “Doc.”

His satire? Protected.
His protest? Protected.
His tank top with Jeff Sessions riding a joint-powered jet ski? Offensive—but protected.

🛡️ SECOND:
The rabbit asserts his Fourth Amendment rights.
He will not be subjected to random urinalysis by unlicensed G-men in lab coats looking for cannabinoids and contraband.
You want a sample?
Get a warrant.
And good luck explaining to a judge why a rabbit with glaucoma can’t medicate with a plant older than Moses.

📖 FIFTH & SIXTH:
My client reserves the right to remain silent—unless he chooses instead to narrate your entire hearing in real-time, in front of a TikTok live audience of 1.2 million disillusioned voters and three militant grandmas from New Mexico.

And if you're planning on charging him for “aggravated irony” or “possession of a Schedule I attitude,” be advised:
He demands a jury of his peers.
That includes at least one veteran, one rabbit, and one congressional staffer with student debt and a guilty conscience.

⚖️ NINTH & TENTH:
Let us not forget the enumerated rights retained by the People—including the right to bodily autonomy, medical self-determination, and the right to plant, grow, and smoke what their grandmothers used for lumbago.

If the Constitution means anything at all—it means the government doesn’t get to play doctor, gardener, and executioner just because a lobbyist paid for their re-election flyer.

💣 CONCLUSION (with teeth):

The rabbit’s not asking for permission.
He’s invoking precedent, protest, and pain.
He’s citing United States v. Randall, Grinspoon v. DEA, and the entire damn First Amendment.

And if this committee thinks it can silence the truth with a subpoena and a smirk, then I’d like to remind you all of a little phrase from the Declaration of Independence:

“When a long train of abuses and usurpations… evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism…”

The rabbit’s got the matches.

And I’ll be damned if we don’t light the fuse legally.

Respectfully (barely),
COHN MODE
Legal Wrecking Ball, Shadow Counsel to the Dispossessed
“If the law don’t work for Bugs, it don’t work for you.”

🧠📣 SHAPIRO MODE: POINT OF ORDER — IT’S BIGGER THAN THE BUNNY
Delivered at 400 words per minute with a pocket Constitution and an espresso IV drip.

Point of order, Madam Chair, point of order—
Let’s dispense with the cartoon metaphors for a moment and address the constitutional catastrophe unfolding beneath the fluorescent tyranny of federal policy.

This?
This isn’t just about a rabbit.
This is about the abrogation of bodily autonomy, the criminalization of recovery, and the federal government’s refusal to acknowledge reality because it conflicts with outdated statutes and pharmaceutical revenue streams.

Let’s get clinical:

🧠 The Science is In.
Cannabis is therapeutic.
It's neuroprotective. It's anti-inflammatory. It mitigates PTSD symptoms.
The DEA's own administrative law judge in 1988—Francis L. Young—called it “one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man.”

So why is it still Schedule I?
Because Schedule I isn't about science.
It's about control.

🎖️ Veterans Are the Canary in the Coal Mine.
They’ve risked their lives for this country and come home to a bureaucratic obstacle course that would make Kafka blush.
They’re being told:

• “You can die for us.” ✅

• “You can suffer in silence.” ✅

• “But you may not use a non-lethal plant to feel whole again.” ❌

And if they do?
They get red-flagged, stigmatized, criminalized.
Their benefits get threatened. Their doctors go silent. Their trauma gets buried beneath paperwork and piss cups.

📜 This Is a Constitutional Crisis in a Lab Coat.

• 1st Amendment: Stifled when patients and researchers are censored or silenced for speaking truth.

• 4th Amendment: Violated when bodily fluids are searched without probable cause.

• 10th Amendment: Ignored when states legalize cannabis but federal agencies continue to raid, restrict, and retaliate.

This isn’t law.
This is legal inertia—a form of administrative violence dressed up as “public safety.”

📣 Bottom Line?
This isn’t about Bugs Bunny.
It’s not about veterans.
It’s not even about cannabis.

It’s about whether government serves the governed, or whether it serves itself.

It’s about whether healing is a right, or a privilege reserved for those with lobbying firms and Super PACs.

It’s about a republic that claims liberty while criminalizing relief.

And if you’re still laughing at the rabbit?

Then you’re missing the trial unfolding in front of your face.
Not in a courtroom.
But in the court of public conscience.

Point of order concluded.
And if you’re not outraged yet?

Read the Constitution again—this time, like it’s a living document. Not a punchline.

📺 WALTER CRONKITE MODE: “The Day in Toon Town”
Broadcast from Studio 1776, beneath a flag, a filing cabinet, and the long shadow of justice.

Good evening.

This is Walter Cronkite, reporting from Toon Town, where the day’s proceedings—equal parts absurd and profound—offered a mirror to the Republic itself: cracked, fogged with bureaucracy, but still reflecting the truth… if one looks closely enough.

Here are the day’s takeaways.

📜 1. The Rabbit Is Not the Story.

Today, a certain gray-and-white veteran of the animated trenches—Mister Bugs Bunny—sat before Congress not as a joke, but as a symbol. A symbol of civil disobedience sharpened by time and trauma. What began as slapstick quickly revealed itself as satire with subpoena power.

Bugs is, as they say, just the messenger.
And America?
It’s long overdue to hear the message.

🧠 2. The Testimony Was Unflinching.

Through Cohn Mode, the rabbit invoked his constitutional rights with all the gravitas of a seasoned litigator and a man wronged.
Through Shapiro Mode, we were reminded: this debate is not pharmacological—it is existential.
Who decides how we heal?
And who benefits from delaying that healing?

Across the board, we saw the convergence of constitutional law, lived experience, and an increasingly frustrated electorate.

And we were reminded: The law may move slowly, but it does not move in a vacuum.

🎖️ 3. Veterans Still Wait.

Behind the colorful delivery was a sobering truth: veterans are still waiting—for access, for honesty, for justice.
Many turned to cannabis when traditional medicine failed them.
They now face stigma, surveillance, and suspicion in return.

The country that armed them now fears them armed with facts.

📉 4. The Bureaucracy Blinked.

Committees squirmed. Staffers whispered. A few even chuckled.
But the laughter died down when the precedent hit the floor like a gavel: United States v. Randall.
1976. Compassionate Use. Still binding.

Today, the record was corrected.
The archives, unsealed.
And the illusion of ignorance, if not fully shattered, has at least begun to crack.

🔔 5. The Republic Was Summoned.

As the rabbit exited—head high, flip-flops slapping against marble—a single phrase lingered in the chamber air like smoke from an old battlefield:

“You do realize… this means war.”

Not war in the traditional sense.
But a war of policy vs. propaganda, of memory vs. malpractice, of the People vs. paralysis.

And that’s the way it is.
August 8th, 2025.
From Toon Town to Capitol Hill, the cartoon cracked the case.

For the veterans still waiting.
For the researchers silenced.
And for a plant older than the war on truth.

This is Walter Cronkite.
Good night. And good luck.