THERE’S A BUNNY ON THE BALLOT
🥕BUGS BUNNY MODE: “RABBIT ON THE BALLOT”
🎩 Scene: The Press Room, somewhere between the Department of Health and Looney Policyville
The doors burst open. Flashbulbs pop. Reporters mumble. And in struts a gray-furred renegade in flip-flops and a lab coat, chewing a carrot and smirkin’ like he already passed his Senate confirmation.
BUGS BUNNY (adjusting a stethoscope with one paw):
“Eh… what’s up, Docs?”
So ya wanna put me on the ballot, huh? For Surgeon General?
Don’t tempt me with a good time—I've already got the qualifications:
✔️ Survived countless experiments without informed consent (ask ACME).
✔️ Extensive knowledge of herbal remedies (if ya know what I mean).
✔️ Familiar with trauma-informed care (Elmer’s been after me for decades, doc).
✔️ Fluent in Medicaid, Medicare, and Malarkey.
And lemme tell ya—I ain't beholden to Big Pharma, Big Carrot, or Big Wabbit. I’m runnin’ on the radical idea that maybe—just maybe—health care oughta care.
CAMERAMAN (whispers):
Is this guy serious?
BUGS (side-eyeing the lens):
Serious as a three-hour wait at the VA with a blown-out knee and a file labeled “Malingerer.”
🎙️ Policy Proposal Highlights from Dr. Bugs Bunny, Surgeon General (Write-In Candidate)
“No More Red Tape—Just Red Licorice.”
Patients shouldn’t need 17 forms, 6 referrals, and a congressional subpoena to access cannabis or compassion.“Mental Health Ain’t a Punchline.”
We’re fundin’ community gardens, group therapy in barbershops, and late-night trauma hotlines hosted by Marvin the Martian.“Universal Healthcare? How ‘bout Intergalactic?”
If a Martian can get patched up in five minutes, what’s our excuse?“Harm Reduction Is Not a Looney Idea.”
We’re talkin’ Narcan in every glovebox, drug checking kits at every clinic, and less judgment from pencil-pushers who ain’t never stared down a demon in the mirror.
BUGS (pacing the podium, addressing Congress):
You let Doc Sisley play Operation with veterans, you fund MAPS with Monopoly money, and ya turn PTSD into a brand!
Well I ain’t playin’ that game.
I’m playin’ kickball—with your policies—and I’m usin’ your pharmaceutical lobbyists as the bases.
🥕 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:
“Vote Bugs for Surgeon General: Because the system’s already a cartoon—might as well put a real rabbit in charge.”
BUGS (leaning into the mic, final word):
You got a choice, America:
🩺 A Surgeon General who’ll gaslight ya while pushin’ pills…
OR
🥕 A wisecrackin’ vet advocate with a license to heal, a vendetta against medical malarkey, and a Rolodex of rabbit-proof remedies.
So whaddaya say?
Write me in.
Or keep sittin’ on hold.
Either way—I’m already in your head.
chomp
fade to black
kazoo solo of “Hail to the Chief”
🎙️ HARRY CARAY MODE: LIVE FROM THE PRESS BOX AT THE NATIONAL RABBITCON ’25
HARRY CARAY (squinting through bifocals, clutching a hot dog the size of a clarinet):
“WOOOOW! I tell ya, folks, I’ve seen a lotta strange things in my day—Sammy Sosa corkin’ a bat, the Cubs almostwinnin’ a pennant—but I ain’t NEVER seen a rabbit toss his name into the Surgeon General race while wearin’ a stethoscope made outta Red Vines!”
(shouting over the roar of a carrot-crazed crowd)
“Bugs Bunny just took the stage, folks, and he’s commanding the room like it’s the bottom of the ninth and the prescription pad’s full!”
📣 CARAY (wiping mustard from his mustache):
“Now let me get this straight, Kit—ya mean to tell me this guy—this hare—has more public health experience than the last three appointees combined?! I mean, sure, he's got a history of trauma resilience, cross-species diplomacy, and guerrilla herbalism, but still—he's a rabbit, for cryin’ out loud!”
(Camera zooms in on Bugs lighting a blunt off a fax machine from the VA)
“GOOD GRAVY, KIT! Did ya see that? He just hotboxed the Electronic Medical Records!”
“I haven't seen smoke like that since Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park!”
📉 CARAY (narrating the moment with increasing disbelief):
“He’s pitchin’ universal health care with a side of sass and a carrot-laced cough syrup reform bill called ‘Don’t Be a Daffy.’”
“He’s pullin’ policy proposals outta his ears like magic tricks, Kit! One minute it’s ‘Trauma-Informed Gardening’, next thing ya know he’s filibusterin’ about 'intergalactic Medicare expansion for Martians with PTSD!'”
🥕 CARAY (chuckling, then suddenly solemn):
“Ya know what, Kit? Maybe he’s onto somethin’. Maybe—just maybe—it’s gonna take a wisecrackin’, puff-passin’, flip-flop-wearin’ buck-toothed anarchist with a carrot and a conscience to fix what the suits can’t.”
“Because if we’re gonna live in a cartoon, by gum, we might as well let Bugs Bunny write the script!”
(Camera pans to Elmer Fudd sobbing into a Denny’s menu as Bugs drops a mic shaped like a caduceus)
🎙️ CARAY (voice cracking with emotion):
“Holy cow, folks… I think we just witnessed history.
A rabbit didn’t just run for office—he ran the clinic.”
Back to you, Kit. I need a drink and maybe… maybe a tetanus shot.
cue jazz flute rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” performed by a VA lobby jazz trio on hold for a prescription refill since 2009
🥕 OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL COMMITTEE TO ELECT DR. BUGS BUNNY, SURGEON GENERAL (WRITE-IN)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
🎩 “You’ve Tried the Rest—Now Try the Rabbit.”
Looney Policyville, USA — In an unprecedented turn of events, a rabbit with a penchant for carrots and chaos has officially declared his write-in candidacy for Surgeon General of the United States.
Yes, that’s right. Dr. Bugs Bunny—Veteran of the ACME Laboratories, unlicensed expert in trauma recovery, herbal remedy evangelist, and longtime advocate for actual healthcare—is hoppin’ into the race, lab coat flapping and stethoscope swinging.
“I’m not sayin’ I’m the only one qualified,” Bugs noted, mid-crunch, “but I am the only candidate who’s been shot, flattened, exploded, and erased from government databases—and still kept his sense of humor and his Medicaid card.”
📋 POLICY PILL-POPPERS, BEWARE. DR. BUNNY’S GOT A PRESCRIPTION FOR THAT:
✅ Stop treating veterans like punchlines.
“We been through the war. Now we gotta survive the waiting room? Come on.”
✅ Fund community gardens, not clinical gaslighting.
“Let ‘em plant radishes instead of burying trauma in forms marked 'DENIED'.”
✅ Mental health meets Martian logic.
“If Marvin can get care on Mars, why’s Joe from Topeka still on hold?”
✅ Intergalactic Medicaid.
“You laugh, but Earth healthcare’s already a sci-fi dystopia.”
✅ Harm Reduction Without Judgment.
“You wouldn’t lecture Wile E. Coyote for orderin’ another ACME rocket. Why you lecturin’ addicts?”
📺 “LIVE FROM THE PRESS BOX” — HARRY CARAY LOSES HIS DAMN MIND
CARAY (voice warblin’ with joy and secondhand smoke):
“Folks, I dunno what’s real anymore, but I do know that rabbit just walked into the Surgeon General’s race with more credibility than the FDA has left in its supply closet!”
(squints through smoke)
“Did he just prescribe laughter, Narcan, and raised garden beds? By god, Kit, he might be the first candidate in history to say ‘public health’ and mean it!”
🗳️ CAMPAIGN SLOGANS LEAKED FROM THE LOONEY HQ:
“A Stethoscope in One Paw, Justice in the Other.”
“Vote for Bugs: He Won’t Gaslight Ya—He’ll Just Light Up.”
“Because Flip-Flops and Truth Bombs Beat Wingtips and Lobbyists.”
“The Only Candidate Endorsed by Tweety Bird AND Marvin the Martian.”
📞 PRESS INQUIRIES MAY BE SENT TO:
thecarrotline@bunnypolicy.org
(please allow 3-5 business days for reply—we’re on hold at the VA)
📦 CAMPAIGN HQ LOCATED IN:
The filing cabinet behind Room 237, beneath 12 years of unprocessed FOIA requests and a slightly warm carrot cake
🎙️ FINAL WORD FROM DR. BUGS HIMSELF:
“You can keep your placebo pilots and psychedelic profiteers. I’m here for the ones stuck on hold, stuck in pain, stuck in paperwork.
I don’t want your vote ‘cause I’m cute—I want it ‘cause I care.
And if ya don’t vote for me, that’s fine…
…I’ll just run the country from the waiting room anyway.”
🩺 Vote Bugs. Because what’s up, Doc… shouldn’t be your blood pressure.
🎶 [Cue kazoo solo of “America the Beautiful”]
🎥 [Camera pans to Yosemite Sam trying to understand Narcan packaging while Elmer sobs into a binder labeled “Denied Claims (2001–2025)”]
🎤 [Fade to black, with a blunt lit from a fax machine error code]
END TRANSMISSION
🐇 Powered by Looney Logic & Herbal Literacy.
🗳️ Let’s Be Clear:
This isn’t about Bugs Bunny. It’s about every vet who’s ever sat on hold, every patient who’s ever been blamed for trying to heal, every whistleblower dismissed as “looney.”
Bugs is just the mask.
The message is deadly serious.
This message paid for in full by Bugs Bunny’s pension fund and one angry vet with a typewriter.
