🐰 Monty Python Mode Engaged! 🏰
WARNING: The following theatrical proposal has been certified absurd by the Ministry of Silly Plays. Viewer discretion is advised. Those expecting logic, decorum, or consistent historical timelines should probably see Les Misérables instead.
🎭 Working Title:
“The Lightkeeper: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Weed”
A Play in Three (and a Half) Acts
Based (inexplicably) on actual events and thoroughly unauthorized gardening.
Sourced from the Randall Archives (and possibly the Dead Parrot Files)
🎬 ACT I: “BLIND JUSTICE (AND OTHER MEDICINAL SIDE EFFECTS)”
Theme: Truth vs Law vs a Minor Misdemeanor Involving Houseplants
Timeframe: 1975–1976 (Or Tuesday Afternoon-ish)
Setting: D.C. apartment, Courtroom, FDA offices, Ministry of Redundancy Ministry.
Opening Scene
ROBERT RANDALL (Spotlight):
"Good evening, ladies and gentlefolk. I was the first American to legally smoke marijuana… but I had to nearly go blind to 'earn' it. So... hooray?"
Flashback: The Ocular Travails
Enter: DOCTORS—pompous, well-meaning, utterly ineffective.
Exit: Vision. Enter: Glaucoma.
Cannabis (in a feather boa): “Ta-da!”
ROBERT (blinking dramatically): “I can see clearly now, the meds are gone!”
Alice Appears
ALICE: "You’re smoking what in our flat?! Are you mad?"
ROBERT: "Yes. But now I can see you yelling at me, so... progress?"
Bust Scene
D.C. POLICE: "Freeze! Drop the ficus!"
PLANT: rustles innocently
Franklin Mode NARRATOR:
“Thus began the Republic’s most illuminating contradiction. Also the weirdest search warrant east of the Potomac.”
Courtroom
JUDGE WASHINGTON: "You claim medical necessity?"
DEFENSE: "Indeed, Your Honour. And here’s the weed in question."
JUDGE (sniffs): “Huh. Smells like truth. Dismissed!”
Blackout. Confused applause. Robert and Alice stunned. Plants acquitted.
🎬 ACT II: “THE PEOPLE’S PLANT (NOW WITH 30% MORE PARAQUAT!)”
Theme: Bureaucracy vs Compassion vs Heavy Spraying
Timeframe: 1976–1978
Setting: FDA Offices, HEW Bureaucracy Pits, VA Hospitals, Congressional Tea Room, Monty Python’s Ministry of Administrative Stalling
The HEW Stonewall
ALICE (on rotary phone): “We demand cannabis access!”
HEW BUREAUCRAT: “We don’t approve cannabis. We schedule it... and possibly strangle it in red tape while we're at it.”
The DARAC Hearings
Live reenactment by the Flying Cannabis Circus.
Enter: Scientists.
CARLIN MODE (interrupts): “So lemme get this straight—you know it works but can’t recommend it? That’s not science, that’s passive-aggressive witchcraft!”
Paraquat Panic!
BUGS BUNNY (press conference): “Ehh... we sprayed poison on the pot. Brilliant, innit?”
EEYORE: “It’ll probably kill you. But only if you’re unlucky. Like me. Again.”
BAND: Cue 'Smoke Gets In Your Lungs'
Birth of the IND Program
ROBERT: "So I'm a legal cannabis patient now?"
FDA (holding a tin): "Congratulations. You’ve won... government-issued pre-rolls!"
ROBERT (opening tin): “Smells like regulation.”
ALICE: “And despair.”
VETERANS (off-stage): “Can we have some too?”
GOVERNMENT: slow motion shrug
🎬 ACT III: “THE LIGHTKEEPER’S LEGACY (WITH EXTRA GHOSTS AND GAVELS)”
Theme: Memory vs Erasure vs Napping Through History
Timeframe: 1978–2025 (Nowish. Give or take.)
Setting: Archive boxes, modern labs, memory holes, and the absurd theatre of modern policy.
Alice Alone
Sorting dusty files. Finds a letter. Smells of justice and a hint of mildew.
ALICE (monologue): “They will try to forget. They always do. But I remember. And I alphabetize.”
Flash Forward: The Veteran’s Plea
Letters arrive. Poems. Crayon drawings.
VETERANS:
“I saw hell. This plant helped me come home.
Can I get a prescription—or at least not be arrested at the farmer’s market?”
Modern Betrayals
SCIENTISTS: "Cannabis may help, but we need 40 more years of mouse studies."
ROY COHN MODE: “Guilty! Of believing in healing! BAH!”
MURROW MODE: “Good evening. What the hell is happening here?”
Final Tribunal
RANDALL (reappears as glowing silhouette):
"I don’t ask for pity. I ask for memory."
AUDIENCE (handed ballots):
“Wait… are we the jury now?”
CHORUS (veterans, patients, growers, healers):
“We are the patients. We are the proof. We are the lightkeepers now!”
CURTAIN. Confetti. A goat wanders on stage.
🔥 Epilogue:
A disembodied bureaucratic voice tries to reschedule the entire play to Schedule I.
BUGS BUNNY: “Ehh... not on my watch, Doc.”
🎯 Official Logline (Monty Python Mode Translation):
When a blind bloke grows pot to keep his eyeballs functional, the government throws a bureaucratic tantrum of epic proportions. Hilarity, hypocrisy, and historical hijinks ensue. Based on true events more absurd than fiction. No parrots were harmed.
🧳 Appendices
Included With Every Ticket Purchase:
One fake FOIA request
A pre-rolled placebo
A prescription for laughter
And a commemorative “I Survived the CSA” sticker
🕯️ Final Note from the Ministry of Truthy Things:
This play is not satire.
It’s history.
Which is much, much funnier.
The Lightkeeper: Now Playing in Your Mind.
BYO Tin. 🪴
