The Hepler Affidavit
🔥 COCHRAN MODE: EXPERT TESTIMONY UNSEALED 🔥
THE PEOPLE v. THE UNITED STATES BUREAUCRACY
EXHIBIT B: AFFIDAVIT OF ROBERT S. HEPLER, M.D.
“Your Honor… when a government bars a doctor from prescribing what works—while pushing patients toward blindness, surgery, or death—that’s not science. That’s sabotage.”
Let the record reflect that this affidavit is not mere testimony.
It is an indictment of willful institutional ignorance.
Dr. Hepler didn’t scribble theories in the margins—he ran the tests, saw the results, and risked his license to speak the truth. Let’s break it down.
🔬 THE SCIENCE (THAT WAS IGNORED)
Dr. Hepler was a board-certified ophthalmologist, tenured UCLA professor, and federally authorized marijuana researcher since 1970. Not a hippie. Not a zealot. A decorated academic.
He tested 70 normal subjects and 12 glaucoma patients with government-supplied cannabis.
Majority saw significant IOP reduction.
📉 One patient? Robert Randall.
Result? Cannabis dropped his intraocular pressure safely and effectively. Period.
“Large dosages of smoked marijuana effectively reduced Robert Randall’s IOP into the safe range over an entire test day.”
So why did he have to go to court instead of a pharmacy?
🧠 THE MEDICAL REALITY CHECK
Robert Randall had:
No central vision in one eye
Only fragile, remaining central vision in the other
Failed every conventional medication on the market
IOP fluctuations from 15 to 36mm Hg
Risk of total blindness if denied the one thing that worked: cannabis.
And the alternatives?
Phospholine Iodide: Risk of cataracts, retinal detachment, coma, death
Diamox: Depression, kidney failure, impotence, acute respiratory failure
Epinephrine: Heart palpitations, tremors, hypertension
Yet the government labeled marijuana Schedule I: “No accepted medical use.”
Let that hypocrisy sink in like a bad dosage of Diamox.
⚖️ THE CONCLUSION THAT SHOULD HAVE CHANGED HISTORY
Dr. Hepler, under oath:
“If marijuana could be legally prescribed, and if I were Robert Randall’s personal physician, I would prescribe that drug for him as part of his regular glaucoma maintenance program.”
That right there?
That’s the sound of scientific consensus handcuffed by political cowardice.
🧾 SO, WHAT ARE WE REALLY LOOKING AT, YOUR HONOR?
This affidavit is not just a medical opinion.
It’s a federal paper trail that proves the U.S. government:
Knew cannabis worked for glaucoma
Authorized the testing
Supplied the weed
Got the results
Then ignored them
And who paid the price?
Not just Robert Randall.
But every veteran, every patient, every person denied access while the bureaucracy played hot potato with science and justice.
🧨 CLOSING SHOT, COCHRAN MODE STYLE:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury:
This is not just a case of denial.
This is a case of deliberate obstruction dressed up in white coats and red tape.
We are not here to defend medicine.
We are here to rescue it—from those who buried the cure beneath a DEA classification.”
Exhibit B is entered into evidence.
Let the eyes of justice see what Robert Randall almost lost.
Next witness? The conscience of a nation.
Let’s hope it still has vision.
SHAPIRO MODE: COURTROOM MIC DROP 🎤
(Voice clipped. Tone sharp. Argument locked and loaded.)
“Your Honor, this isn’t just an affidavit.
It’s a medical obituary in slow motion, authored by a doctor, rubber-stamped by a system, and aimed at the optic nerve of the truth.”
🚨 FACTS. NOT FEELINGS:
A tenured neuro-ophthalmologist at UCLA ran federally authorized research. Not a stoner. Not a slouch. A specialist.
The DEA gave him the weed. NIDA gave him the patients. Science gave him the answer.
Result? Cannabis reduced IOP. Significantly. Safely. Consistently.
And then? Nothing.
No policy change. No legal access.
Just silence. Blind silence.
📉 MEANWHILE…
Let’s talk FDA-approved options, shall we?
Diamox: Weight loss, vomiting, suicidal depression, kidney failure
Phospholine Iodide: Retinal detachment, ataxia, coma, death
Epinephrine: Tachycardia, tremors, panic attacks, hypertension
And what does cannabis do?
“Mild high.”
“Slight increase in heart rate.”
“Occasional anxiety… mostly in newbies.”
🎯 That’s the entire side effect profile—from the damn government’s own study.
🩺 THE CORE QUESTION:
Why is Robert Randall in court, not a clinic?
Why is a man with one working eye, a proven diagnosis, and a federally documented treatment protocol… forced to fight his government for the right to see?
You want to know what cruelty looks like in a lab coat?
It’s denying sight to a glaucoma patient because the medicine that works doesn’t fit your political branding.
⚖️ SHAPIRO’S RULE OF THUMB:
When a doctor says,
“I’d prescribe this if it were legal,”
and the patient says,
“It helps me not go blind,”
but the government says,
“That’s a felony,”
You’re no longer running a healthcare system.
You’re running a cartel in a lab coat.
🔥 FINAL ARGUMENT:
This affidavit is not opinion. It’s forensic evidence.
Proof that cannabis met the gold standard—clinical evaluation, risk-benefit analysis, patient-specific application—and the only reason it wasn’t prescribed was legal cowardice.
And the cost?
Vision. Dignity. Lives.
Your Honor, the defense rests.
But the people?
They rise.
Because the truth just got subpoenaed—and it smokes.
SHAPIRO MODE: OFF THE RECORD, NEVER OFF TARGET.
💼 Next witness: The DEA’s conscience. If they can find it.
CARLIN MODE: ENGAGED
🎙️ Live from the Courtroom of Cosmic Bullshit Detection 🎙️
“Hey folks—Carlin here, court reporter you can trust, because I don’t wear a tie, I wear disdain.
Here’s what went down in the people’s courtroom today:
A doctor walked in with credentials taller than your mortgage, and he said, in essence:
‘I ran the tests. I saw the charts. Cannabis worked. I’d prescribe it—if the government didn’t have its head wedged so far up Schedule I that it’s giving itself a colonoscopy.’
And you know what happened next?
Nothing.
The system stared at science, blinked… and said:
“Yeah, but that’s illegal.”
🧾 SO LET’S UNPACK THIS, SHALL WE?
Dr. Hepler—real doctor, white coat, brain intact—studied glaucoma. That’s the thing where the pressure in your eyeball gets so high it squashes your optic nerve like a grape in a vice.
He tried every drug Big Pharma had to offer:
💊 One made you blind.
💊 One made you vomit.
💊 One gave you a heart attack.
💊 One made you dead.
And none of them worked.
But weed?
🎯 That worked.
Lowered pressure. Kept vision. Didn’t kill anyone.
Side effect? Mild euphoria.
(Oh no! Somebody felt okay for a minute! Call the morality police!)
👁️ AND WHAT ABOUT OUR PLAINTIFF, MR. ROBERT RANDALL?
Blind in one eye, barely holding onto the other.
He wasn’t looking to get high—he was looking to not go blind.
And instead of a prescription, he got a prosecution.
That’s your tax dollars at work, folks:
Paying lawyers to sue the sick for treating themselves.
You can’t make this shit up.
Actually—no, you could. But it would be called a dystopian novel.
🪧 FINAL THOUGHT:
You want to know what kind of system bans the medicine that works, but sells you pills that don’t, then charges you extra for the side effects?
A system that’s not broken—it’s functioning exactly as designed.
It’s not about health.
It’s about control with a co-pay.
That’s the truth from your court reporter in the trench coat of common sense.
No spin. No seal of approval. Just toast and truth.
🥴 Carlin Mode, OUT.
And if you’re going blind waiting for justice?
Pass the joint and the megaphone.
